Documentatron (05-26-2011)

Dr. Cheese Sandwich shrieked as he looked into the door, the ruins of Summertime being far more horrible than anything he could have imagined. His hands, permanently fumbled by a mishap with the Fumblotron as an undergrad, couldn’t get the Doorometer to close the door fast enough. Unspeakable creatures chanted happy songs, jiving and surfing without the slightest care for science or proper dress. His eyes were almost seared shut, as if by a Searograph, by what he’d seen.

Soon, he’d managed to get his useless hands to slam the large button on the Buttonphaser, a miraculous device that pushed buttons within arm’s reach. It’s telescoping arm reached out to the button on the Doorometer, whirring and clicking as it pushed the button and shut the door, cutting off the sun’s rays and the teenager’s smiles. Dr. Sandwich collapsed in a heap, sobbing.

“It’s worse than you described, Boldosk.”

The cat rolled its eyes. “You just looked in on some teenagers on a beach. What are you talking about? Get back on that thing and try to find the Shivering Core.”

He rolled over, knocking over blueprints for his new Grabinator. “It’s useless. What you’re talking about just can’t be done. You’d need some sort of Shivering Core tracking device, and the Shivering Corinator just hasn’t been invented! I’d have to invent some sort of Searchitron for the Dictionariator in order to just figure out what it was! Do you know how long that would take?”

Boldosk’s eyes started to heat up with killing energy, but then a passing car’s headlights moved on the wall and he chased after them. It took all of his control to be able to speak. “N…No!”

Dr. Sandwich’s crying got louder, drawing looks from people passing by outside. They walked faster when they saw that it was a grown man and not a five year old caught in a wood chipper. “Of course you don’t! You come from a world without Chronolookers, and can’t find out what time it is without looking at a watch yourself! The very concept of time’s passage is beyond your reach!”

The car finally drove out of sight, and Boldosk returned to normal, stalking over to the doctor. “I can look at the watch with my own eyes…”

Dr. Sandwich laughed. “Now who’s been dabbling in science fiction?”

“Are you serious? I can just look down at the watch and read the time off it.”

Dr. Sandwich stopped laughing, placing both of his legs in the Getupinator, letting the device lift him onto his feet. He took a few steps toward him. “You know, making outlandish claims like that can get you jailed for witchcraft…”

The cat looked at his feet. “Is that so? Well, you just took three steps without the use of your Walkotition.”

The doctor looked down at himself, noting that he wasn’t making constant contact with a machine. Then he realized that he was looking down at himself without the use of his Selflookulous! He trembled in fear, but cried out once he even further realized he was feeling fear without an injected Fearotron nanomachine.

“This isn’t real…this isn’t real!”

Boldosk sighed, his whiskers puffing out. “It’s like I am some sort of magnet for imbeciles.”

The cat floated on the air, reality shaping around his will as he lifted himself up to Dr. Sandwich’s head level. He delivered a hard slap with his paw, claws scratching across his face.

The doctor reached up, touching his cheek and feeling the blood dribbling down. He savored the sheer sensation of it, marvelling at powers he never believed possible. He could see and feel, and all without the help of a machine. He could push buttons or open doors. He could use his fingers to open jars, or look at menus to know what foods were sold at restaurants! Nothing was beyond his absolute power. It could mean only one thing…

“I am God.”

Boldosk shook his head, scampering away as he folded the air around Dr. Sandwich’s head inward, popping his head. Glaring at the Doorometer, he hopped up on top of it, manipulating the knobs and buttons himself. Various locations, from make-out points to senior proms, flickered on the screen. The teenagers would show him what he wanted to know, one way or another.