The Ritual (11-03-2011)

Vivian looked up at the glowing figures, one holding the other in the air, and was moved to tears. She turned to Ken to see if he felt the same, and her eyes widened.

“Ken, why are you naked?”

Ken looked over at her. “It’s an ancient Anoleyn ritual. When they open a new sewage treatment plant, it’s tradition to show up in the nude. In fact, you’re being extremely rude showing up in clothes.”

Vivian looked up at the alien figures, seeing that they were staring back at her with what might have been concern. The larger one loosed a buzzing hum from its small mouth, different colored lights shimmering across the halo behind its head. She reached for the zipper on her rubber suit, but then she caught the look in Ken’s eyes.

She followed his glance over to sewage treatment plant behind them, noticing the paint on the sign still looked wet. She stood up, charging over to it and wiping her hand across it, gasping at what she saw before whirling on the assembly.

“This isn’t a sewage treatment plant! This is an accounting office!”

Ken grumbled, snapping his fingers in disgust. “Shoot! You weren’t supposed to find out.”

Vivian glared at him. “This was just another trick so you could see my third buttock.”

The alien creatures beeped and hummed, looking over at Ken. He shook his head.

“No guys, she isn’t going to show it.”

The large alien scowled, gills on either side of its head letting out a high-pitched whistle. The small one dropped to the ground, the flames that had burst from every one of its limbs dying out as it dried into a lifeless husk, bursting apart into a shower of cloying body sprays. The two humans fell into a coughing fit, waving their hands to clear the smell from the air.

The large alien’s halo turned a bright white, and they felt like they could hear a voice through the glow. “We have travelled for many minutes to get here from our dorm room, drunk on the promise that we would get to see a woman with three buttocks. One of us has given his very life to make this a reality, returning to the great body spray that envelops and protects us. May it forever grant us the feminine attention it promises, rather than the endless loneliness its choking scent curses us with.”

Vivian coughed out most of the rest of the alien’s scent, backing away from them. “You guys are sick. I can’t believe you’d fake the opening of a sewage treatment plant, the happiest day of any woman’s life, just to see me with my clothes off. I’ll never speak to you again!”

She ran off, Ken about to run after her before the alien grabbed his arm. His grip was tight, his regimen of protein drinks and nights of watching televised fights having given him formidable strength.

“You have promised us a woman with three buttocks, and have failed. You know what the price of failure is to the Frat. Your beers are now ours.”

Ken tried to break away, horror creeping across his face. “You…you can’t have them all! I have a house party that…”

“They are already gone, as is the foosball table and the mini fridge. Now, though, you must carry the weight of your shame for all to see!”

Light burst in the creature’s hands, scalding white that burned Ken’s eyes until he closed them. He squinted at the roiling flame that the creature placed on his head, screaming at the weight and substance of it when it made contact.

When the pain subsided enough for him to open his eyes again, he saw what the cruel alien had wrought. He looked down at his shirt, a huge, multi-sided die looking back at him from its front. The shirt was tucked deep into his pants, which had been pulled high up his stomach. He looked up at the alien with tears streaming down his face.

“I…I can’t be! You can’t do this!”

“For failing to provide the pornographic entertainment you promised the holy frat, you are doomed to forever walk the cosmos as a the lowly nerd. May your body odour never know the embrace of body spray!”

Ken dropped to his knees, screaming into the night as he realized he was late for the lan.