Fit To Print (01-05-2012)

There was a sound of air escaping from the sides of the mask before the voice boomed out over the crowded food court. “I come from the future with a dire warning…”

The assembly waved the futuristic being off, people walking away in disgust. Enchilado, man of the future, looked around, peering out from his breathing apparatus. He waved his gun in the air in what he felt was a somewhat threatening way. “Return to me, lest you face your ruin without knowing the consequences…”

One old man turned around. “You never come from the future saying anything positive.”

“Excuse me?”

The old man spat. “Good stuff. Like legalized prostitution or free tacos. How come there isn’t any of that in the future?”

Enchilado rubbed the back of his helmet. “Well, in the far-flung future, mankind is at the brink of doom, tiptoeing at the very edge of the abyss, because…”

A woman spoke up. “Why? We have a printer that makes human organs. A printer. Do you know how silly it sounds for a race that can print off a new heart to be on the verge of destruction?”

“Well, you see, we are facing armageddon…”

“Make a new planet printer.”

The being was stunned. “A printer? Your solution’s a printer that prints planets?”

The group nodded, many of them turning back to their costly, heavily taxed tacos. Enchilado walked up to a young couple as they looked at a menu. “Surely you can understand the plight of future man.”

The wife looked up. “Is there a printer that makes tacos in the future?”

“Well…no.”

Her face turned ashen, and she leaned in close to her husband, just needing human contact at that moment. The husband looked up, sadness causing his ears to water. “I’m sorry, but we can’t help you. For all of man’s ability to print organs, we are unable to provide free tacos to those in need. My son needs a salsa implant before the end of the day, or he will die from Acute Arriba Deficiency. If only we had printers that made tacos instead of internal organs, then maybe we could save him. Maybe…”

They looked back at the menu, weeping openly over the brightly-colored pictures of burritos and chili fries. He stepped away from them, only to find another man in a similar suit standing right in front of him.

The two future men looked at each other, Enchilado backing away a step. “Uh…”

Chimichangar glared at him from under his helmet. “Enchilado, the first rule of changing the past to save the future is to never leave your tag hanging from your future cloak!”

Enchilado looked down, seeing to his horror that he hadn’t tucked the tag in. “I was going to return it to the future store when I was done! There’s no sense in wasting twenty dollars on an outfit I’m only going to go back in time in once!”

“But now the future has changed again, and we had to send me back in time to stop you from changing the past!”

A bright light burst in between them, yet another future man appearing in between them. “Blast! I’m too late! You’ve already cast the taco printer market into ruin with your presence!”

Four more people appeared in quick succession, all of them immediately opening fire on the others with laser pistols. The initial three future men dove under a table, watching as more people from the future appeared to try to fix the future.

Enchilado turned to the others. “What is happening?”

Chimichangar shook his head. “They are fixing our mistakes as fast as we make them. For every man sent back in time, another must be sent back to correct every one of his mistakes. You coming back in time while wearing a tag on your cloak helped spur mankind to greater printing aptitude, eventually building a printer that rebuilt all of existence itself. Now, who knows what manner of printers I created by coming here to stop you.”

The third man looked at them, a whirring sound coming from his helmet. “I…was built by a printer!”