The Slides of Sacrifice (05-24-2012)

“Hold!”

The giant reptile roared, lifting its head back up. The woman who’d been attached to it scowled up at the robed attendant. “What’s the problem?”

“Your bikini doesn’t have any straps, ma’am. It’ll get ripped right off on this water ride, and there’s kids playing down below. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

She huffed as the ceremonial priests cut her bonds, releasing her from the ride. “I’m going to go complain to the owner! You know how much money I spent on the Virgin Sacrifice Volcano Slide alone? I’ll have your job!”

The priests shook their head at Gorloft the Attendant as she jogged away. One of them threw a wet towel at him. “You know how hard it is to get sacrifices for the old gods now? This water park/theme restaurant may be our last chance to appease them and stop the Boiling Rains from coming!”

Gorloft scratched at his face under his black mask. “I was just trying to save her from some embarrassment. She needed to be smarter about her wardrobe.”

“You do remember that this isn’t a slide? That we just tie her to the great serpent and then drown her, completing the ritual. That is something you recall, right?”

Gorloft looked at each of them in turn, laughing nervously. “You know what? I forgot. Sorry guys. Seriously, though, we’ll totally get the next one.”

The priests walked away from him. “I’m beginning to question your faith in the gods, Brother Gorloft. Do not let your love of water parks or theme restaurants blind you from your true purpose.”

He let them leave, sitting down in his chair and sighing. He turned to his lunch, his eyes falling on the eight dollar hot dog he’d purchased from a vendor before his shift. Before he could bite into it, a vortex of fire erupted from the stale bun, filling his eyes with divine light.

“Gorloft! I am the Underking, Weeper of Boiling Tears, and I have a command.”

He fell to his knees. “Please bless me with your will!”

“I require a teacup ride! There, in the valley beyond the wave pool, it shall be. Make one for me so that I may witness foolish children playing on it too hard and vomiting, for the Underkingdom’s internet is out and I cannot watch stupid videos.”

“But…but the sacrifices…”

The flames burned even higher. “I have no interest in any sacrifice that doesn’t involve fat children falling off things! I require more bike tricks gone wrong and silly cat videos! I feed on their ridiculous force, and grow stronger with every poor decision made by the inebriated.”

Gorloft looked into the inferno, wondering when his life had gone so wrong. “I…I cannot.”

“You dare!”

Gorloft pointed his finger into the fire. “You used to stand for something! I thought you were a god that loved water slides and over priced amenities, but I was wrong. All I’ve heard since I came here was concerns about sacrifices and stupid internet videos. I came here to build something beautiful that took advantage of bored teenagers, but you’ve polluted it to your own purposes. I cast off my allegiance to your order!”

The fire spun all around him. “I will banish you to the darkest, most foul thrift store in all the planes of existence. There, you will be forced to charge cheaper and cheaper prices, always dreaming of the heady days when you were selling worthless food for tens of dollars!”

The fire drew back to a single point as the god prepared his magics, but then a group of overweight tourists made their way up the stairs, huffing and wheezing. “I…I wanna ride the lizard slide!”

The portly man tumbled back, loosing a feminine scream that drew the god’s attention away from his spell. The god fell into laughter, his attention away from Gorloft for one precious moment. He dropped the hotdog, vessel of the god, into the water, watching as it fell into its chlorinated depths.

The god broke apart instantly, his flames burning out in the chemical waves. “I will return, once I save up enough money to pay the park’s re-entry fee! I’ll be back!”

It wouldn’t be for a long time, Gorloft knew. Not with summer pricing coming into effect.