Meanwhile, Backstage… (06-14-2012)

“I’m being lowered down to talk to peasant-turned Bastardmania contender, Rufus ‘Royal’ Blue. Rufus, you’ve made a lot of enemies in your rise to the top, from Lord Skull of the Steppes of Terror to Prince Pain of the Whorehouse That Gave You Syphilis. Who do you think is going to be your biggest challenge tomorrow at Bastardmania?”

He leaned close to her extended wand. “Fabulous Francine, I’m just a regular guy lookin’ to get a leg up, and if any of those rich sons of mules thinks they can get in my way, they got another thing comin’. I ain’t afraid o’ nobody in this competition.”

She moved in closer, her faces only inches from his. “And what about Baron Massacre? He’s claimed that his body is ‘Impenetrable to anyone but the hand of noble-born’? Aren’t you worried?”

“That’s for the Enchantment Commission to deal with. If he’s using illegal sorcery in this competition, then I’m gonna be the least of his worries. Magic or no, if he steps in that ring with me, he’s gonna feel the wrath of the Blue Baller.”

“Yes, many princes have had their testicles crushed by your signature move. What about the comments that bringing vise grips into the ring is unsportsmanlike?”

He ripped open his robes, revealing an array of blue streamers and ribbons, all of them flitting in the wind as he flexed his muscles. “Does this look ‘unsportsmanlike’ to you? When I step out into the ring, there’s no magical enhancements. There’s just me, and a modified tool I use to crush male reproductive organs.”

She turned away from him, smiling. “Stirring words from a brave competitor. Let’s go back to Johnny Coxcomb with the rest of tonight’s main event”

Johnny looked up from the crystal ball at the audience, his face grim despite the ringing bells attached to his hat. “For those of you just finding us through the insane ramblings of your shaman, we’ve just seen a horrific turnaround in the Parentage Denial ladder match. Prince Pain climbed to the top of the ladder and was about to deny his son’s right as heir by declaring his mother the queen as unfaithful and treasonous when Kaiser Chaos turned the whole match around. Stunning the Prince with his signature move, the Flying Neckbeard, he then darted to the top of the ladder and denied every single one of his children born out of wedlock, sentencing them to immediate death if they tried to claim the throne. What an upset! What a…”

He was about to go on, but then turned back to the crystal ball, his eyes wide. “Fabulous Francine! Look out behind you!”

Lord Skull crept up behind her as she was being raised back up the castle, taking a swipe at the ropes that held her pulley. She pulled herself off to the side, shrieking.

“No! If I touch common ground, I’ll become a commoner like Royal Rufus!”

Rufus pounced on Lord Skull, vise in hand. They struggled for a moment before Skull backed off, a twisted grin on his face.

Rufus glared into his eyes. “Don’t know what’s so funny, son. Now that your feet have touched dirt, you’ll be stripped of all your royal titles. You’re just as common as me, now.”

He laughed, pulling up them hem of his expensive robes. His own feet were strapped against another pair of severed feet. “Thought I didn’t think of that, commoner? I had your whole family ground up, the remains turned into a thick paste, and then molded into these fine commoner feet. Do you like them?”

Rufus pointed his vise at Skull. “I’ll make you pay for what you did to them! I’m challenging you to a no-holds-barred People’s Uprising match!”

Francine began to rise up during the exchange, speaking into her wand from above the two fierce men. “You heard it here first, folks! Royal Rufus has just challenged Lord Skull to a People’s Uprising match! During the fight, each competitor will be continually grabbed by his subjects and then executed. The man executed the least times in thirty minutes will be the winner!”

Johnny pulled back from his seat, his face dour. “It’s going to be quite a night here for Bastardmania. Two titans of drunken, undeserved leadership will meet head to head right here in the Gardens of Madison the Squire tomorrow night! Don’t miss it!”