Friendly Competition (12-02-2010)

“Oh, it’s looking like a tie in the Unhorsing the Innocent Maid competition, with both competitors landing their hits at the same time, Bob.”

“I don’t know, Bill, let’s go down to the sidelines and hear from the man with the plan, Johnny Coxcomb.”

Johnny Coxcomb laughed, the bells on his hat jingling. “Well guys, it’s a close race. As you can see, Lord Vile of the Swamplands decided to attack low, going for the legs of the horse to get a sure win.”

He gestured behind him toward a man painting as quickly as he could. Johnny grabbed the brush from him, circling the horse’s legs. “Lord Vile concentrated his attack here, which will get the maid off the horse for sure. Lord Skull of the Steppes of Terror, though, went straight for the maid with an ice spell. Now, while Lord Vile’s plan is a sure thing, the maiden could be a tough rider and hold on for a long time while the horse bucks. Skull’s attack has a good chance on numbing the maid’s hands and feet pretty fast, making even basic riding impossible in the short term. This is going to be a close race no matter how you slice it. Back to you guys.”

Bob leaned back in his velvet throne. “Folks, if you’ve just gotten within earshot, Lords Vile and Skull are neck and neck in the unhorsing competition…”

Bill rose from his seat, reaching up to grab his crown before it fell from his head. “Hold on! It looks like the maid has frozen to ice AND been bucked off the horse! By the Grace of the King, I’ve never seen anything like it in all my years at the Insidious Cup! What a terrific match!”

“Now Bill, there’s nothing spectacular going on here. The horse kicked her off, clearly showing that Vile’s spell was the deciding factor.”

Bill didn’t look at Bob, just staring ahead into the crowd. “Bob, she would have been keeping her plague-addled behind right on that saddle if it hadn’t been for Skull’s ice spell, and you know it.”

“Without Vile’s fire spell, she’d just be a frozen cube around that horse’s side. I think it’s pretty clear who the superior athlete is in this competition. Vile had a sweeping victory in the Wrongful Imprisonment of the Hero’s Father showdown, and showed us all how tough he could be in the Brandishing the Ultimate Magical Weapon in Front of the Rightful Heir-off. His skills and execution cannot be matched by any prince in this great sport, past or present.”

“And the concerns of his enchantment augmentations?”

Bob lifted his gem-encrusted cowboy hat, wiping sweat from his brow. “Bill, that’s purely speculation from the starved rabble. Vile’s crushing win against Prince Gloom in the Taxing Farmers Into Oblivion cage match left a lot of peasants bitter and homeless. They’re just spreading rumors.”

“Well Bob, it looks like the referee is checking the maid for a pulse, and judging from his waving arms she doesn’t have one.”

“It does look like this competition is all over, folks. Again, if your scrying stones have just found us through the aether, it looks like it’s going to be a tough call for the judges. Let’s go back to Johnny Coxcomb for the decision.”

Johnny looked up at Bob and Bill as a scroll was placed in his hands. “It’s a tie!”

Bob and Bill both shouted from their seats, Bob speaking first. “What an upset! Let’s go down to the competitors themselves, with Mean Genelus of Green.”

Genelus stood beside Lord Vile. Vile’s eyes were hidden behind his sunglasses, the Golden Belt held high above his head. Genelus brought a magic wand to his mouth. “Lord Vile, you’ve managed to keep the belt today. How do you feel?”

Vile snatched the magic wand, pointing with the belt. “Skull wasn’t enough of a man to take this from me, he’s never gonna be man enough to take it from me!”

Genelus’ magical clone held a wand up to Skull’s mouth as well. “Vile got lucky today, but when we meet up again, I’ll show him what the true meaning of vile really is.”

Genelus’s clones merged in mid-field. “Tough words from both of these fine athletes. We’ll see who can back them up in just a few weeks at Bastardmania. Ask your local scryer or soothsayer about pricing. You don’t want to miss it!”